BIBLICAL ORDER IN MARRIAGE: THE TWO BECOMING ONE FLESH pt 5
Recently I presented a paper in my DMin class on what the
Bible teaches about order in the marriage partnership. This paper sought to define terms, exposit
pertinent scriptures, and provide practical application. It also sought to make
the reader aware of how some well intended Christian teachers have complicated
the issue. Thus, in a hopes that what I
have found and written will benefit you,I am presenting this paper over the
next several posts. Should you have
questions or comments, you may send them to Perseveringpastor@gmail.com.
Fulfilling one’s role is
imperative. Never is compromise accepted
in the marriage roles, as is often suggested by books such as The Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, or Love and Respect. These books all suggest that when one party
gives the other should give also. This
teaching curtails the responsibility mandated unto God to love the spouse, and instead
suggests that to get affection a husband must first barter for the other’s
involvement by respect, kindnesses, or appealing to her felt needs and
desires. Scripturally, we are to love
our spouses as in obedience and love unto God.
“Just as Christ loved the church” emphasizes that we once were distant
sinners who rebelled and operated in our own flesh, without a love for
Christ. Yet, Christ still gave Himself
up for his bride, the church, in order to provide sanctification, cleansing her
with the washing of the word, in order to make her presentable, holy,
blameless. Husbands and wives are to understand
cures for marriage from this admonition, not out of self-preservation or in the
manipulation of a supposed hierarchy of needs.
This
Ephesians passage finds the commands for the wife being summed up in submitting
and respecting her husband. These are
neither conditional nor optional. Her
obedience is ultimately unto the Lord, not just her husband.
The
idea of submission is not to be carried to the extremes of being a doormat for
abuse or a permission to sin if directed by her mate. Wisdom and logic, especially paired with the
other doctrines of scripture, are to be applied at all times to the context of
submission. Misinterpretations of this directive
have been used by husbands to abuse or misinterpret the role of his wife. This
aspect is further explored in the section on Bill Gothard. Some wives have endured years of verbal,
physical, and spiritual abuse all the while fearing that something worse may
happen if they disobey God by “non-submission.” This perspective has affected feminism
and has been in need of clarification, as seen in the Baptist Faith and Message
of 2000. Husbands need to be aware that
this scripture never advocates his “kingship of the home,” but rather how he is
to lovingly serve his wife. It puts the
husband in the envious position of being the exclusive love attraction to his
mate, other than Christ, rather than the fleshly lull of worldly substitutes.
For
the husband, litanies of objectives are outlined for his ongoing duty. These too are neither optional nor
conditional. They include loving as
Christ loves the church, moving toward the goal of her purification and beautification
through the word that she be holy and blameless. He is to nourish and cherish his wife, as a
fellow member of his own body. His
inspiration is taken from the Genesis passage in chapter 2 verse 24, aspiring
to the glory of the pre-fall condition.
He must therefore be mindful that sin has not relinquished him from
duties nor objectives for the marriage to be a union that exists unto the glory
of God. Rather, the conditions of his
present state and the promises of God ought to provide fervor in actively loving
his wife.
Both
lists of objectives for husband and wife give the couple a truer definition as
to what it means to love one’s spouse, cleaving to each other and becoming one
flesh. It is an active pursuit, for the
betterment of each other, and a cleansing from sin, that seeks to attain the
glorious pre-fall fellowship between each other and God Himself.
1 Peter 3: 1-12 is
a great paraclete to Ephesians 5. Again
it begins with a discussion of wives submitting to their husbands. Here, Peter addresses the issue of whether or
not a wife should submit to a husband who, is at least, not fulfilling his role
or, at worse, is perhaps an unbeliever.
It is the behavior of the wife, in submission, that sets her apart from
the rest of the women of the world. This
submissive aspect of the woman is done out of love for the Savior, following
His example, and therefore the glory of God is demonstrated in the life of a
believer. 1 Peter chapter 3 sets the context for
submission as exemplified in Christ. The
axiom of imitating Christ in all things is abundant in the marriage
relationship. There is more at stake than
the happiness of the wife. The person of
Christ is illustrated in the consistency and character of the believer, thus
affecting her spirit, her husband, and the witness to her mission field.
The wife is to
complete her ministry unto her husband by submitting, in the hopes that he will
see her behavior and be won over should he not be a Christian. In the context of the Greco-Roman period, the
actions of such a wife would surely make her a standout among all others.[i] Further, her adornment is to be not merely
outward, but more so from the inward person of who she really is. Sarah, Abraham’s wife, is cited as a godly
example to emulate.
The husband is
commanded to live in an understanding way, and to consider his wife a weaker
vessel. To be understanding, the Greek
word, gnosis, presents an admonition
to have practical wisdom in how to effectively love one’s wife. It carries with it the position that there
must be an ongoing update as to her current situations and being. Therefore, the husband needs to consistently
relate to his wife to know her heart.
It must be
understood that the husband, as Adam did, is to consider his wife as not
inferior, but fulfilling the role of a suitable helper. The Greek word, asthenes, is used here. It
means a weakness such as “the flesh is weak.”
This would translate as lacking power.
The husband in turn enables his wife to complete her role. This again becomes a symbiotic relationship;
each benefits the other. The
consummation of marriage in this order is synergistic and fulfills the doctrine
intended for the two becoming one flesh.
Along with the
idea of the wife being a weaker vessel, the husband thus is to show her honor
by considering her a fellow heir.(vs 7)
This again demonstrates that the wife is neither to be ruled over, nor
be a doormat, but a partner that completes a union of two fleshes. This order is crucial; for when the husband
honors his wife, his prayers remove potential hindrances. A strong spiritual practicality is paired
with loving one’s wife when the husband takes care to maintain such order in
the marriage.
Peter then ties
together in verses 8-12 an overview of how a husband and wife are to conduct the
order of marriage biblically.
To
sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and
humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving
a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might
inherit a blessing. For, "THE ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD
DAYS, MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT.
"HE MUST TURN AWAY FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD; HE MUST SEEK PEACE AND PURSUE
IT. "FOR THE EYES OF THE LORD ARE TOWARD THE RIGHTEOUS, AND HIS EARS
ATTEND TO THEIR PRAYER, BUT THE FACE OF THE LORD IS AGAINST THOSE WHO DO
EVIL." (1Pe 3:8-12)
Peter is not only
concerned with the heart but the practical application. Each of these relational matters finds its
victory in relying upon the Lord as it says; “The eyes of the Lord are toward
the righteous,” and “His ears attend their prayers.” This summation is not simply a new teaching
from Peter, but a reminder of God’s word as spoken in Psalm 34.
